On Needs And Their Biologic Window

The more I see of patients, the more I realize that there is a biologic time frame when each need can be fulfilled, and only within that frame. Some are obvious, such as proper nutrition while being carried. Other needs are more subtle; the need to be talked to, encouraged, learning how you appear to others. 

Here is an example. One girl developed very early with mushrooming breasts. Her father blamed her when boys whistle at her. He made her feel bad and guilty for attracting boys; for being attractive. He took a joy away, and once that was done she was not going to get it back when she was twenty-five and men thought she was pretty.  Because when a girl is first developing, what people think of her stays as a bedrock to help form her self-esteem.  It does little  good for a mother to say later on that she is pretty because her first encounter was that it was not an asset but something bad. She was attracting attention to herself. She was made to feel guilty by very prim parents who had long ago buried their sexuality. She can hear how pretty she is when she is thirty but that fights against an image she already has, which means it is something to avoid. This is very true of mothers who were not pretty and could not attract boys. Their jealousy comes out in denigrating the daughter. 

After I got slapped angrily for crying when I was six, it stayed for years, and I stopped crying. My Dad was someone to beware of when he was around. Never expected love, only to find ways to avoid beatings.  I became submissive and hesitant. Those early slaps occurred at a crucial time when its message reverberated throughout my childhood. Beware of aggressive people such as Miss Wardrop, whose name I still remember, who was very critical. I did what I could to please her to no avail; she could not be pleased. Her pleasure centers were deeply buried. She allowed no “frivolous” talk in class. 

Without a chronically angry father who set the template, Miss Wardrop would not have been so traumatic, but it reawakened my primal fears. In other words, unconsciously I expected slaps for talking too much; yet I had to talk to release all the pressure I carried. Diabolic.

Now let’s go to a devilish need; that of touch. A baby needs touch and softness the minute he enters this world. He needs touch, hugs and kisses in his infancy and of course during his early years growing up. When that is missing, his limbic/feeling centers are impaired and it has multiple meanings; he does not feel loved, safe or protected. More likely, he feels alone in the world with no one to help. The ability to not only feel love but to give love is squelched. He isolates himself and no longer confides in his parents. He lives apart both physically and emotionally. 

And here is the key problem; no father who comes back after leaving his family in order to make up for his abandonment to provide love to the boy at age six can ever make up the loss. That emptiness is imprinted, ("I am not loved and therefore not worthy of love") and love never touches him. The critical period has gone by and it is now too late. Hugging does help but it already lies on a mountain of pain from his previous loss. This warmth has gone way beyond its due date.  It is too late. In my world, he must go back and relive that emotional squalor over and over again, until the pain is out of the way and he can now feel and accept love. 

Let us never forget the critical period of needs and fulfillment. They are not decisions we make; they are biologic demands, importuning and unrelenting.   

The system recognizes those needs and the critical period.  Let us hope that parents who feel are attuned to them.