The more I see of patients, the more I realize that there is a biologic time frame when each need can be fulfilled, and only within that frame. Some are obvious, such as proper nutrition while being carried. Other needs are more subtle; the need to be talked to, encouraged, learning how you appear to others.
Here is an example. One girl developed very early with mushrooming breasts. Her father blamed her when boys whistle at her. He made her feel bad and guilty for attracting boys; for being attractive. He took a joy away, and once that was done she was not going to get it back when she was twenty-five and men thought she was pretty. Because when a girl is first developing, what people think of her stays as a bedrock to help form her self-esteem. It does little good for a mother to say later on that she is pretty because her first encounter was that it was not an asset but something bad. She was attracting attention to herself. She was made to feel guilty by very prim parents who had long ago buried their sexuality. She can hear how pretty she is when she is thirty but that fights against an image she already has, which means it is something to avoid. This is very true of mothers who were not pretty and could not attract boys. Their jealousy comes out in denigrating the daughter.
After I got slapped angrily for crying when I was six, it stayed for years, and I stopped crying. My Dad was someone to beware of when he was around. Never expected love, only to find ways to avoid beatings. I became submissive and hesitant. Those early slaps occurred at a crucial time when its message reverberated throughout my childhood. Beware of aggressive people such as Miss Wardrop, whose name I still remember, who was very critical. I did what I could to please her to no avail; she could not be pleased. Her pleasure centers were deeply buried. She allowed no “frivolous” talk in class.
Without a chronically angry father who set the template, Miss Wardrop would not have been so traumatic, but it reawakened my primal fears. In other words, unconsciously I expected slaps for talking too much; yet I had to talk to release all the pressure I carried. Diabolic.
Now let’s go to a devilish need; that of touch. A baby needs touch and softness the minute he enters this world. He needs touch, hugs and kisses in his infancy and of course during his early years growing up. When that is missing, his limbic/feeling centers are impaired and it has multiple meanings; he does not feel loved, safe or protected. More likely, he feels alone in the world with no one to help. The ability to not only feel love but to give love is squelched. He isolates himself and no longer confides in his parents. He lives apart both physically and emotionally.
And here is the key problem; no father who comes back after leaving his family in order to make up for his abandonment to provide love to the boy at age six can ever make up the loss. That emptiness is imprinted, ("I am not loved and therefore not worthy of love") and love never touches him. The critical period has gone by and it is now too late. Hugging does help but it already lies on a mountain of pain from his previous loss. This warmth has gone way beyond its due date. It is too late. In my world, he must go back and relive that emotional squalor over and over again, until the pain is out of the way and he can now feel and accept love.
Let us never forget the critical period of needs and fulfillment. They are not decisions we make; they are biologic demands, importuning and unrelenting.
The system recognizes those needs and the critical period. Let us hope that parents who feel are attuned to them.
Critical periods seem to sum up Primal in two words. It's probably what most babies/children are crying about and most adults are running around trying to fix!
ReplyDeleteDavid you are so right. art
DeleteArt,
ReplyDeleteRemember Roberta Flack, 'Killing me softly'?
When you stress the importance of not pushing a patient, not pushing the feeling, not allow the pain to become too sharp, even, as it peaks, you may take the patient's hand - that's killing me softly. And in the ensuing Primal I begged 'Dad, hold my hand!' , as I was on ice skates for the first time in my life, maybe age six.
When you advocate warmth and tendernes, I melt. Thank you.
Erik
Erik, I not only remember her but I know the guy who wrote it; a most unlikely writer. art
DeleteArt,
DeleteRock me slowly!!!
I wouldn't be surprised if it were you.
DeleteOK don’t be surprised. Art
Hi to all
ReplyDeleteHave you watched "Hachi: A Dog's tale". I've cried my eyes out.
Piotr, Sorry I do not know what it is. art
DeleteHi Art,
ReplyDeleteyou must be telepathic. My grandson is telling me his mum is spanking him again and also imposing random sanctions and punishments including excluding his dad.
Of course if I raise this with anyone they all tell me to shut up, often in the 'nicest way possible'. . .
Paul G.
- I mean, luckily, my grandson had a solid first three years with my son as primary carer (because the mother was too young and too neurotic to cope), me and my daughter supporting. We now have a tight little family unit.
ReplyDeleteIt's us who have adapted the most to meet my grandson's needs even though he is now placed back with his mother, who seems to me about as inflexible (and transparent) as pure quartz. During the last 6 years I have tried so hard to protect my daughter from the imposition of a needy brother AND a needy nephew, she too young then, but now that she is 13 and he the nephew is 6, she loves him as a little brother (her words) and all is well when he comes to visit us and stay over with my son.
All is well and peace reigns, so much so my symptoms have changed beyond recognition (that is a different story).
But then my grandson gets back to his 'mother', usually by me being taxi grandad. She the mother only understands what she has been brainwashed to believe about 'little boys' and how 'firm' you need to be with them. Poor chap, half the punishments she meters out on him he doesn't know what he did wrong, probably because he didn't do anything remotely wrong, after all, he learned his 'morality' from us in the first three years, so why should he have learned anything about 'right and wrong' remotely connected to punishment? Her admonitions merely confuse him . . . Aaaand that is surely what the mother is so freaked out about. That's the thing about narcs set up as patsys by powerful people in the 'caring profession'. . . All of 'em are freaked out about loss of control. . .
- That they must act out revenge on behalf of the more powerful peer or mentor to protect their sense of control in a chain of revenge, their unmet need to remain free to choose who to seek revenge on. Sheer thuggery - and women are not exempt. That follows in almost the entire psychology and psychotherapy profession as well; a 'tyranny of need' unfolds and naive young students learn to be abusive by default. . .
I digress, and however, we love my little boy grandson, who now likes to play the guitar (and my congas). But his Dad & I occasionally hear him tell us stuff that's not right and we tell hims it's wrong that he be punished like that. Now my son challenges the bullying mother by text, he doesn't give in, he is finding the words to 'cut to the chase' with the bullying mother, we use NVC and get better and better at it. NVC & Primal Theory are a powerful mix by the way.
I tell you there are some people who are only motivated by revenge and punishment, they are the most easy to brainwash and control. No doubt the social workers consider their unconscious covert projected revenge a great success, now that the bullying mother is letting the little boy have it. . . But this little boy is resilient, he loves cuddles and romps with us. He is not seriously damaged - yet. He is doing well at school. He is still coping. Somehow he is not succumbing to the onslaught of his mothers projected unmet need. . .
Aaaand we know this because of the little boys act outs and catharsis and eventual deep primals he has on return to his Dad, who seems to have become his 6 year old sons therapist.
My son said: "Well T**** definitely got something out yesterday"-, (acting out his mums aggressive act outs on his Dad for about 4 hours) and shouting in floods of tears: - "How would you like it if you had to take this"? Until collapsing into really deep crying and becoming completely normal afterwards - shining like the bright star he is.
-"He really got something out yesterday"-. . .
I have only one mentor to thank for this small but significant achievement here in UK.
Thanks Art.
Paul G.
Hi Art,
ReplyDeleteI just found this:
-"I saw in the paper that Claude Steiner has died. He was a very significant person in my life. He and his colleagues formed the radical psychiatry collective in Berkeley in the 1970's and published a journal which my collective in Columbia, Maryland found to be a wonderful resource for learning and practice. Every issue was read from cover to cover. It was through this journal that I first learned about Wilhelm Reich and his work, bioenergetics, the "Rescue Triangle," the "Stroke Economy" etc. We began practicing bioenergetic self help in our group which changed my life.
In 1975 my partner Lynne Anne and I moved to Berkeley in large part due to the presence of the Radical Therapy collective. It was time to get out of Maryland and the turbulent political scene in DC and jump into the new therapies and holistic health movement. It was a good time to be there (here) - the Vietnam War was ending, freeing up a lot of our psychic and physical energy. Within four months we had five weekly self-help groups running, within two years we opened the Healing Ourselves Center in a large dance studio ( and Dance Jam). Soon we met Helen Palmer, Kathleen Speech, Claudio Naranjo and the enneagram. Meanwhile we established programs based on peer counseling, bioenergetics, and Reichian work. Also hosted at our center Steiner and the RT group, Alexander Lowen, Myron Sharaf, and other leaders in the field.
Steiner worked with Eric Berne and Transactional Analysis early in his career. He wrote a number of books including "Scripts People Play" and "Emotional Literacy." He was a psychiatrist who challenged his profession, helped found a movement, and influenced many people around the world. I am very grateful to him and his many colleagues for their leadership.
If you are interested see www.ClaudeSteiner.com.
Paul G.
Thanks. I knew about him many years ago. Art
DeleteThis should be in a book. A book to help parents deal with parenting...so the damage they do isn't so severe where it can't possibly be fixed. Different personalities in children; parents many times don't realize what type of personality their child even is which is a great misfortune for both parties involved. To be a parent, one must have patience, understanding and kindness shown to the child through many of their youthful scenarios; many times it just isn't shown at all. Many times it is just "tough love" which can be just way too "tough" .
ReplyDeleteI have written now 19 books. When will it be enough? I agree it should be in a book but who will write it? I get it. Art
DeleteArt & beachcoast7,
DeleteWell actually I am writing it.
It's taking a very long time because the goal is a moving target. For starters there are literally millions of science papers, books & essays already written and published on 'correct parenting'. . . So, that's completely daunting. You have to say something different & special to make a dent in all those fine words that already exist and are pouring out from the global publishing machine weekly if not daily.
Then, somehow you have to add the Primal perspective, which in this case is like pouring extremely concentrated ink into less than pure or transparent (muddy) water. . .
Lastly, having dived into the melee, you can only rely on your own personal feeling experiences to validate the plot. Albeit in the framework of Primal, but that doesn't make your own experiences easier to get onto paper. . . It certainly makes it more challenging.
Paul G.
This is good that you are writing a book on parenting. Life is hard; especially now, with the population explosion. Just to get someone to take time and read, that is an accomplishment. I would write, but don't have the "spare cash".
DeletePaul,
ReplyDeleteA child will never rebel or "do anything wrong", if the parent did not do something wrong to the child first.
A child is born smart and sane, and made stupid and crazy by ignorant and crazy parents.
There is no such a thing as a "bad" child, or a child who just "turns out bad".
There are only bad parents.
We are all only as good as we have been bred and brought up.
If you have a problem with the product, you have to check with the factory for the cause of the problem.
If someone treated the parent(s) the way some parents treated their children, the parent would instantly call 911 and have charges laid accordingly.
David
Tell the mother that.
DeleteOr even the father?
DeleteSteve
Hi Steve,
DeleteAfter slapping my son about repeatedly and leaving him to do a much bigger part of the childcare, the mother walked out on both of them leaving my son to hold the baby. She then had him beaten up by another one of her many boyfriends and attempted to abducted the child. She did it twice, the police attended and no charges were pressed. Before I understood what was happening my son collapsed with pre-psychotic episodes as an entree to his form of delayed reaction PTSD. Only I have acknowledged that these assaults and the strain on hium triggered his illness - he's a lot better now.
Consequently the Authorities were involved and decided my sons' story was a narcissistic act out and that he had forced the mother to violence by his actions (this is classic DARVO) They then placed the boy with his mother and now she shouts and slaps the little boy about.
The family support worker says she has the right to do this and it's 'her choice' to parent the way she sees fit.
You couldn't make this stuff up. I know Art knows what's going on because he published a shed load of my posts on the subject. The reason why the little boy is resilient is because my son (the father)with my help did the first three years WITHOUT the abusive mother.
I tell you, you really can't make this stuff up.
Paul G.
An email comment:
ReplyDelete"It is certainly sad to consider these things. Healing those things to any degree seems to take a long time. One thing I note is the deep desire to punish oneself and others that seems to walk hand in hand with neurosis. Our whole approach to such things, if any, is to punish rather than to heal. People need to feel what happened to them before they can appreciate and feel how that led them to be cruel and unloving to others, especially to those who were helpless in their care. I say this as an indictment of our whole criminal justice system, which instead of taking actions to prevent, protect and heal, seek instead to give an outlet to other neurotics to ease their own pain by punishing others. Oh, and what an excuse they have! Just the labels we give to those who "do wrong" speaks volumes about our lack of humanity. Such are the people who would rather even risk killing the innocent than to remove the death penalty. Our whole society is neurotic and that message can be overwhelming to most people. Working patiently, patient by patient, to begin a healing for the world is courageous. Thank you Art and France for being such courage in the heart of an insanely punishing and hateful world. You risk much pulling the "tail of the tiger" called neurosis. Failing to be the loving dad I would have wanted to be, yet having such loving kids, is a grief laid on top of personal agonies from my own childhood. My unreal self would like to punish me, call me unworthy, the real me cries and changes and gathers the strength to move on and join the primal revolution as best I can.
Every post you make is a beacon of light in a very dark world...
"
It takes a long time, but what if there were no cure. Then it would really take a long time. Primal Therapy is miraculous but it is no a miracle. We are doing people’s lives. art
Delete