It
occurred to me that there are ways to find out if we can fall in love,
whether we can sustain a relationship and how close we can be to others.
We can enter into our physiology for answers to these questions; for in
that physiology lies our history, our emotional past that can help
predict the future. We can slice into the problem from many different
perspectives but for now I will choose only one: oxytocin. I call it the
hormone of love. When we make love our oxytocin levels mount; if we rub
an animal’s belly levels rise. Making love tells us the importance of
oxytocin since that act is the origin of life.
Oxytocin is a
neuro-hormone that is a key hormone of love. When the level of oxytocin
is low there is less emotional attachment, less interest in social
engagement, less caring and bonding, and less touch ... in short, less
love. "Less love" has a physical base. Less love early in our lives can
be found in an imprint, which affects many systems. These effects are
measurable. In some respects, love is a measurable entity. The imprint
affects sexuality, particularly how key brain structures such as the
amygdala and hippocampus translate pain into sexual behavior.
Oxytocin
is found only in mammals. When it is high, one experiences a sense of
relaxation, rest, and growth, repair and healing, loving behavior and
emotional-attachment. Love and nurturing early in our lives are
necessary for optimum health, and healthy brain development cannot take
place without it. It isn’t just that low oxytocin levels are an
indicator of early neglect and lack of touching, it also indicates a
dysfunction of the entire system, and serves as a prognosticator of our
later mental and physical health. Its presence says, "I was loved and
could develop normally,” its lack says, “I was unloved and my system is
skewed.” It is one of the key indices of how much love we received in
infancy and around birth.
In the same way that we may increase sexual
drive in males with testosterone injections, it may well be that we can
"inject love" into people, or at least inject a hormone that encourages
it – give people a shot of love, so to speak. This shot may help us
attach to others and bond with partners, allows us to feel close to
someone else, to feel and empathize with their feelings and pain.
Bonding is a strong emotional attachment that helps us want to be with
one another, to help and protect one another, and to touch and become
sexual with one another. High levels of oxytocin encourage and
strengthen bonding. Because early trauma and lack of love affect the
output of this hormone, the ability to relate and have good sex later is
determined even before birth and just after.
Someone can swear she
is full of love, only to find herself very low in the essential hormone
of love – oxytocin. It is actually good news that "less love" has a
physical base, for there may be something we can do chemically to alter
that state, and there is certainly something we can do psychologically
to change it, as well. At sometime in the future we may be able to
determine what proper love from a parent to a child is through the
measurements of various hormones, not the least of which is oxytocin,
which, as I state, has been in wide use to help birth along, affecting
contractions in the mother. (Pitocin).
Early parental love is a
permanent painkiller. Rats who were able to self-administer painkillers
by pressing a lever did not do so when given oxytocin. Oxytocin (OT)
inhibits the development of a tolerance to drugs such as morphine, and
also decreases the painful withdrawal symptoms that occur when one is
taken off these drugs. The degree of addiction can be measured by the
severity of one’s withdrawal, yet oxytocin reduces the severity of these
symptoms. Love will do the same thing; early love calibrates the system
for life. A current shot of love, such as someone hugging and kissing
us, may well change the levels temporarily. If we rub the belly of an
animal the oxytocin levels will rise immediately, but once the initial
critical period of the system’s development has passed, every change we
can effect will be transient. Once we arrive at adulthood, oxytocin
levels are fairly set. One can be given a shot of it, but it will not
have a permanent effect, for once low levels of oxytocin or high levels
of stress hormones are registered early in life, it is difficult to
re-establish normal set points. After the critical period to receive
love is over, the only way to normalize the system is to
neuro-chemically relive the early events that dislocated the set points.
The “critical period” is the time when a need must be fulfilled. It can
never be recaptured. After that period all we can do is play catch-up.
If
we are to ever have any chance at normalization we must feel again
"unloved." That enables us to go back to the point of deviation or
dislocation and rewrite the scenario and return the body to its correct
set-points. . In that way only can we right the ship and return to the
original biologic settings. It is that agony with all its concomitant
biochemical components, that, when fully experienced, helps normalize
the system. And when I mention “normal,” it seems to me that one of the
key indices of normality is the ability to give and receive love. This
is what patients should expect out of a psychotherapy.
We do know
that in our measurements of the salivary cortisol (the stress hormone)
there was a return to normal levels after one year of Primal Therapy.
(see Primal Healing for a full discussion). In various other avenues we
find the same phenomenon. True of heart rate and blood pressure. We
assume it will be true with oxytocin levels. We make that assumption
because our patients state over and again how they finally could relate
to a partner and feel comfortable in an emotional relationship after the
therapy.
There are many kinds of hormones that play into love and
sex; I am extracting these for discussion and to show how early
experience affects adult behavior. Many years ago we studied
testosterone in our male patients. We also classified those who were low
on testosterone as parasympaths – those dominated by the passive,
reflective, healing nervous system. Those, who were high in
testosterone, tended to be sympaths, meaning they were more aggressive,
goal seeking, optimistic and ambitious (looking ahead, an analogue of
the birth process). After one year of Primal Therapy, those who were low
on testosterone tended to rise, while those who were very high tended
to come down a bit; in brief, their systems would normalize.
When it
comes to love, however, oxytocin is by far the most important hormone.
The question we now face is what came first: lowered oxytocin and then
the inability to love and to bond, or the lack of early love, which
lowered the set points of oxytocin? I would choose the latter. Because
hormones are so sensitive to early trauma, we must take care not to
blame high or low levels to genetic factors. We must never forget the
critical nine months of life in the womb.
Bonding is the most
positive aspect of human relationships. We learn how to bond emotionally
in adulthood through early bonding in childhood, as simplistic as that
sounds. It cannot be taught! And it certainly cannot be taught in later
life. Attachment is pretty well set in our childhood. It is not
something we learn; it is something we feel. It is also something
biochemical. Those who did not bond very early on with their parents may
well be condemned to a lifetime of broken, fragile, tenuous
relationships. It may be in large part due to deficits in the hormonal
wherewithal such as oxytocin. Oxytocin researcher Thomas Insel has
remarked that, "Many of the affectional ties to the mother observed
post-natally (after birth) could be laid down by pre-natal experience."
Life in the womb may determine life outside the womb for decades to
come. If the early relationship with one’s parents was distant,
alienated and glacial, it may be a harbinger of the love relationships
we have or don't have later in life. The earlier the alienation from
one's parents, the more trouble there may be in relationships later on. I
have seen it in hundreds of my patients. It approaches a biologic law –
if my sampling of our patients is any index.
In certain mountain
rodents such as the mountain vole, a species that lives an isolated life
(as differentiated from the prairie vole, which is more social), a shot
of oxytocin proved to encourage bonding and pairing between voles.
After repeated injections there was a long-acting anti-stress effect,
which calmed overall behavior and gave rise to a strong tendency to
bond. This again indicates that early love supports calmness and
serenity. Those humans who are able to bond with others have high levels
of oxytocin. Love seems to be the ultimate painkiller and a permanent
one. It prepares us for the challenges of life and is the ultimate
survival tool.
Need a good sex life? Be loved early on by your
parents. That means, inter alia, right after birth and for the few
months afterward. By that I mean plenty of hugging and kisses. Touch is
ne plus ultra. Suffer from perversion? It may be because early in life,
you were twisted by your parents in the quest for love. Parents whose
personalities made implicit demands on the child to be someone
else—non-coomplaining, passive, listening never speaking.
There is
enough evidence to show that a newborn's heart rate, body temperature,
and respiration rate are governed by the mother; when she is loving and
nurturing towards the baby she carries, there is a positive affect on
the baby and the set points of heart rate and blood pressure become
normal. Any neglect she inflicts changes the biochemistry of the baby,
perhaps permanently. Her anxiety and depression during pregnancy may
very well alter the offspring's sex hormone levels. We know, for
example, that anxiety in the mother can and does alter the sex hormone
level of the fetus and can feminize infant males. So what we see is that
once a male is feminized he is vulnerable, more vulnerable to a lack of
love during infancy and childhood. He may become homosexual as a result
of a cold, distant father, while the one who is not vulnerable will
remain heterosexual. We need to understand that at certain levels of
vulnerability, stress, trauma or pain can produce an overload and
channel them into a symptom. In this sense, homosexuality could be
considered a symptom, in the sense that there is a latent tendency, a
feminizing, which only becomes overt homosexual behavior due to trauma;
i.e., the lack of a father’s love. If the father’s love is there, it
remains a latent tendency.
The female prairie vole, when treated soon
after birth with steroid/stress hormones, showed an increase in
masculine behavior, such as mounting. Most of us don't have to be
injected with stress hormones; stress in the womb and just after birth
accomplish the same thing, and may indeed masculinize females.
Although
we may think that an injection is something special, the same chemical
process takes place naturally. We can inject oxytocin, or we can massage
the animal, and increase oxytocin levels that way. We can create stress
for a pregnant woman, or inject her with steroids – the psychological
effect is precisely the same as from a needle. A mother can be kind and
loving and raise the serotonin levels in her offspring so that he can
better handle adversity or a doctor can inject serotonin into the
offspring and produce a temporary calming effect that is no different
than that created by a loving look from the mother. A mother can
"inject" oxytocin into her baby through her milk, which contains high
levels of the hormone. Love, or what looks like it, can be injected.
When "injected" naturally and at the proper time it will produce a
loving human being.
Oxytocin means "quick birth." A synthetic
oxytocin known as Pitocin, is given to mothers who need stimulation for
contractions. I surmise that some mothers who need oxytocin to expedite
the birth process may have had a history of pain that lowered their
levels so as to make giving birth difficult. Statistics indicate those
mothers who give birth by cesarean have lower levels of oxytocin.
Additionally, when oxytocin is given to mothers to facilitate the birth
process, it also enhances the love they feel for their child; they nurse
better and are more relaxed with the baby. Conversely, a chronically
anxious mother may leave her offspring with low oxytocin levels, which
will contribute to the child having trouble later in life with bonding
and forming attachments, as well as harboring a latent tendency to
addiction. Thus, lack of early love translates into inadequate chemicals
with which to bond, creating a vicious cycle of misery – unhappy
relationships, poor sexual function, and failed marriages with
suffering, abandoned children who bear the brunt of something that had
its root causes in the infancy of the mother.
Loving feelings are
transmitted to the fetus through the biochemistry and oxytocin levels of
the pregnant woman, and then later through physical contact, which
again raises oxytocin levels. If we were not loved early on, looked at,
touched, listened to, nuzzled and adored, those biological changes,
subtle though they may be, follow us throughout our lives. Yet a mother
who takes good care of herself, is not depressed or anxious, does not
take drugs, and eats properly, will produce a loving child.
If the
traumas of birth, pre-birth and early childhood are inundating the
system there will be an eventual overload and breakdown of the
neuro-inhibiting, suppressing systems – serotonin, as well as oxytocin.
There are many chemicals that live in the gaps between nerve cells,
neurons; some push back and while others facilitate the message of pain.
They are either information blockers or enhancers. Supplies of
neuro-inhibitors will be used up over time in the fight to keep pain
down. These supplies are not inexhaustible. It is the very earliest
pains that have the highest valence and require the greatest amount of
inhibition. These biochemicals will be used in the battle against
emotional deprivation. The system will eventually be less sexual as the
hormones of love become transmuted into the job of holding down pain.
A
therapist can ask us, "Were you loved?," and we may insist,
"Absolutely," yet we are betrayed by our oxytocin levels, which are far
too low, and by our stress hormone levels, which are far too high, and
also by our hormone levels which may be quite deviated. They speak too.
The body and its physiology do not lie. Indeed, we may have been loved
after birth, but suffered severe traumas in the womb of which we remain
completely unaware. Our physiology will tell us the truth.