Anthony Wiener and His Sexual Compulsion

 The recent chapter in the Anthony Weiner sexting scandal brings to mind the old adage, “The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.” I think Weiner’s disgraceful downfall shows that we, as psychologists seeking to explain sexual compulsions, need to turn that saying on its head: The mind is weak when the flesh is willing.

By now, most of us have heard of the sad and sordid escapade that threatens once again to torpedo the political career of this once rising star of the Democratic Party. It came as a shock two years ago when the married congressman from New York was forced to resign after being publicly exposed, quite literally, for texting photos of his private parts to a woman he had never met. We would think that after a world-wide embarrassment he would have learned his lesson. But another surprise came this week when it was revealed that he continued to carry on internet liaisons even after his remorseful resignation, his apologies to his wife and constituents and, most importantly from my perspective, his promise to change his ways and stop his incredibly risky behavior. Now, after his wife and the public forgave him the first time, Weiner is under pressure to drop out of the race for mayor of New York City. Still, he is standing firm, no pun intended. He appeared at a press conference with his wife in tow and vowed to stay in the race. She admitted that it took a “whole lot of work before I could forgive Anthony.” Given his compulsion, she may have to forgive him over and over again.

 A year ago, I commented on Weiner’s resignation in my blog, ending with a line that turned out to be prescient: “He went away, but his needs didn’t.” On the surface it may sound like a simple thought, but the idea of being driven by insatiable yet unconscious needs is key to understanding why smart men do such dumb things.

 I will not get into the politics of it all, whether he should quit or not. My question is: What makes someone take such risks, with his marriage and career in the balance? What force is so strong that a public figure with such a formidable intellect – and so much to lose – cannot stop himself, especially with the whole country watching? Why doesn’t his intelligence kick in and stop him? Why can’t he reason himself away from this behavior?

 In his press conference Mr. Weiner admitted that he and his wife are in analysis to figure out what is wrong. But he’s kidding himself if he thinks he’ll ever get to the bottom of what’s driving him through conventional talk therapy. If you don’t believe me, just ask Woody Allen. Psychoanalysis simply bolsters the cortical intellect which has failed him so miserably so far. That part of the brain – and the psyche – remains completely out of touch with the deep impulses that are driving his serial sexual act-outs. “Figuring out” is, I am sure, what he has been trying to do for years. The more he tries the more distant and out of touch he becomes from those impulses he needs to control. He is battling forces that will not recognize nor submit to intellect.

Clearly a therapy must address the lower brain where those impulses reside if it is to be successful in cases of obsession. Any therapy that ignores two thirds of the brain cannot possibly succeed.

 To understand this seemingly unfathomable dynamic of destructive compulsions and obsessions, I must explain my hypothesis of the three levels of consciousness. The human brain is really three brains in one: the primitive brainstem, the limbic system, and the neo-cortex, or thinking part of the brain. It is constructed in layers that correspond to the way our brain develops from infancy, and also how it evolved in stages over millennia, from shark to chimp and to human brain, respectively.

These neurologic stages of brain growth correspond to three distinct levels of consciousness: the earliest, pre-verbal stage of infancy, followed by childhood and finally present-day awareness. At each level of brain development, we have specific needs that must be fulfilled uniquely. The earlier the needs the more lasting the consequences when they are not fulfilled, and the more grave the imprint on the person’s nervous system and personality. We are discussing the instincts for survival so that when there is a trauma the in infancy, we have a need to be touched and nurtured tenderly, the need can be thwarted or diverted but never erased. It lives on as an imprint. It is engraved forevermore and drives later symptoms and behavior. The disconnect between that deep imprint and a knowledge of it is great, so great that this makes the thinking brain unable to suppress its force, which again, I remind you, had survival value early on. On the second level, we seek fulfillment of emotional needs: to be listened to, to feel secure and supported, to get an empathetic response to our hurts and fears. And the third level involves intellectual stimulation, communication and understanding by the parents. Fulfillment on this level can lead to clear and logical thinking, and an accuracy of perceptions. Problems arise when those needs at any level are not met.

The pain from that deprivation creates an imprint in the brain that remains hidden from awareness but continues to drive behavior years later. That is how a person like Weiner can act out in destructive ways and have no clue what is driving him to do it. The real cause is hidden in his past, but stored in the lower levels of his brain, and his consciousness. There is no rationality there. The brain has to wait millions of years in evolution and decades in personal maturity before one can properly use the cortex to figure things out. He is acting out a need and a feeling that were left over from early in life. It is so early that it remains unconscious all of the time. It cannot be remembered in the conventional sense of the term. But it is a concrete memory that altered so much of him without his knowing it. At a press conference given by the offending congressman during the original scandal, someone shouted out “pervert!” Was he a pervert? Yes, in the sense that his basic need was perverted or twisted in order to feel loved. Otherwise he would never have lost his control, and he would never have this perverted need, his needs would never have been so direly distorted in the first place. It had to be such a strong past unfulfilled need as to crush his judgment. That need forced him to channel it into bizarre behavior, especially for a well-known politician. It had to be diverted just because it was never fulfilled. He was driven to be well-known, to be seen and appreciated and judged a “man.” Only his parents never saw that.

 The congressman’s unmet needs decimated his critical mind. What was that need? I surely do not know. But I have treated “weeny wavers” (excuse the expression) for years and have seen the motives behind what they do. I often have them do it (act out the exhibitionism) where it is safe in group, and where afterward they fall into the feeling: “Look at me! Pay attention to me. I am important. Please care about me. See me. Want me.” And so on. The penis gets the attention, which is what the person wants. It is often the only way he finds to get that attention. Those are not the only motives but we can be sure that deep unfulfilled need is behind it all. If not, the critical capacity would kick in and stop the act-out. The act-out is always saying the feeling; we only have to pay attention.

 No one is smarter or stronger than his need. Need overwhelms any thought almost every time. Why should that be? Because need and its fulfillment always deal with survival, and always derive from very early in our lives when fulfillment was crucial. It is that which mounts and suffuses our critical capacity; no different from hypnosis where someone can suggest we lose that critical capacity and we do. We become Sinatra because we are told to. Or become Nazis because the pressure is there to become them. We lose our critical capacity.

 The problem is in Weiner’s case that he was both combative and impulse ridden. That forceful combativeness also may signal early infant trauma, meaning brainstem forces at work. That is where not only pure impulses exist, but also rage. What happened to him early on stirred up what I call first-line reactions, brainstem activity that is imprinted and remains as a constant threat. Those impulses took on yet another flavor dimension in his infancy and youth when the constellation of his family life directed them in a specific direction. I do not know what his family was like but I have treated others with similar problems. What might they be? A father who belittles the boy and makes him feel like a “sissy.” A mother who dominated her son; he was close to her but somehow felt “unmanly.” And his father reminds him to stop crying and act like a man. Which is what Mr. Weiner was doing in his act out: acting like a man; proving he was a man. But before we draw any conclusions I remind you that there are a myriad of reasons and I may not have touched on his. The point is that he was driven by powerful, primeval forces that he could not control, nor could he learn from because they were deeply sequestered in the brain. Out of sight but nevertheless omnipresent in driving him.

 So to sum up, here is a very rational and brilliant man, and yet he acts dumb, so dumb as to ruin his life. Why? Because his need drives him toward “symbolic” fulfillment, wherever that leads him. That primitive need is what guides him, not his rational mind which has taken a vacation for a while. He is acting out in the present the needs and feelings from long ago, and that disconnect is what makes him look dumb. Those old childhood needs never disappear. They are inappropriate now, but were appropriate back then. Always think “back then.” One man might act out with his penis — “Be happy to see me” — something his mother never was. The women he flashed or texted never were either, but that never stopped him from trying. He needed a caring mother, but it’s too late. He can’t stop because he’d have to accept that he’s never going to have one.

 It is most interesting that the hapless Weiner used the sobriquet “Carlos Danger” in his emails, acknowledging the danger both to him and from him. He now claims that the behavior is “behind me.” So long as it is below him, imprinted deep in the brain, it will always be a clear and present danger.