A Bit of a Memory

I remember years ago I saw a TV interview show with a woman lawyer who was famous for wearing extra large hats. And the interviewer asked her to justify it. She said, "I wear them because I like them." And I thought wow! that was a reason?! I never heard that before because in Jewish life everything has to be explained and justified, and then you grow up and become an analyst so you can go on explaining. ay ay ay. and there I learned that if you liked something it was all the justification you need. Your feelings can justify things. What a discovery. If you grow up where kids are given orders and never asked their feelings they grow up unaware there are such things as feelings. If everything is cut and dried, "did you pick up the cleaning?," then feelings do not enter your universe of discourse. So I had to learn from television something I should have learned as a child when someone might have said, "How do feel about dinner. Do you like fish tonight?" Then and there you are inculcated that feelings count. Or, "I don't feel like taking out the garbage." It is usually met with anger as any dissidence is, but suppose someone said, "Why not? You know it is important for all of us." A dialogue instead of military orders. Some believe all that stuff and enter the army where they can receive and obey more orders; being told when to sleep, when to get up and when to eat. Military intelligence has got to be an oxymoron. Would any free and liberated emotional person want to do that? Does he love the idea of wanting to kill so much that he gives up his freedom? After all, it is the job of the military ultimately to kill. Yes protect too, but to kill if protection fails.

Children learn about feelings if parents know about them and listen to them in themselves. If they are prompted to seek out what the children are feeling. "I am not tired right now. Can I stay up another hour?"
What do you say? "You go to bed right now." Would you do that to a friend. a wife? Children are not another species. They are human beings like us. When parents wonder if you should do this or that to a child--should I pick them up if they cry,? they should know that you do not need to answer that question by asking someone. Your feelings should tell you that someone in pain should be comforted. That is not too difficult a question. Why do we think that children are not part of us? That they should under go some different kind of regime. Of course, any feeling person would pick up a child who falls. And she should cry; she is hurt.

I learned in my analyst days not to empathize with suicide cases and heavy depressives; not coddle them and reinforce their depression. Then I learned to act human with them; and I teach my interns, "When in doubt act human. Act like you are having coffee in a shop and show the kind of courtesy and empathy you would drinking coffee." If they get caught in technique they might forget that. And above all, follow their feelings, like their parents did not. Patients need that; they need a human there, not a dry interviewer and insight giver. Patients will pay the price for the insights by listening attentively, but a little hug might also help and above all, kindness. Yes, our therapy takes years to learn because the techniques are complex and a good deal of neurology enters into it, but human and humaneness are central. Everyone who comes to us had that lacking in their lives. We cannot love neurosis away but a little loving, reassurance and holding out some hope is also important; it brings down the pain level so that some of it can be felt. Patients never need to be busted or criticized. They have that in spades.