Addendum to "Skipping Steps"

This is an addendum to Frank's story.

Since writing Skipping Steps, the insights keep coming. The meds slow me down so I can be more conscious of what’s going on around me. Of course, by that I mean that I feel more as well as become more aware. My first insight was patience, I don’t have to get this over with as fast as I can. I’m more grounded in the present and I’m not quite so controlled by the panic and terror of the past. I can let other people be where they are at and join them there. And then the big (to me) insight of Don’t Skip Steps.
Since then I recently had another big insight: Softer. I admit that you’ve really got to be inside my skin to understand what that means to me, but I’ll try to explain. When I hold a pencil, or mouse, or almost anything, I grip it like someone is trying to take it away from me, or that my life depends on not letting it go, or that I’ll lose control if I relax my grip. When I type, I strike the keys hard to make sure they do their job, and harder after mistakes. When I write, I feel like I’m holding on to a plow being pulled by a wild horse, dragging me all over the place while I’ve got to keep the rows straight. This leaves my writing with a hard, coarse, jerky somewhat illegible appearance. When I talk, I’m desperate to make sure I’m heard, making my voice louder and sharper than it needs to be.
Oddly enough (to me) I’ve been somewhat aware of this for a long time, but this is the first time I’ve been able to feel how unpleasant it is to me in the doing, not just the result. And this leads me to another insight. I’m always careful. But it is a carefulness born of fear rather than love. It arises from wombs eye fear that something terrible is going to happen to me if I don’t watch out. I want to remain careful, but in a positive way born of love for myself, and for what I’m doing, along with love for those with whom my life transpires. It’s a carefulness that comes from within rather than from the outside.
I also have to add that this change doesn’t happen cleanly, and instantly. It is a slow process of being more conscious and noticing those things that sabotage my daily life, and applying conscious effort to change. Because the truth of the matter is that I’ve had over 72 years practice reinforcing these imprints, and my only advantage is that I feel what they do to me, and also feel what it’s like to relax and go slower, softer, and consciously careful.