Want to be closer to others? Get closer to yourself

When someone’s entire being is permeated with the sense that "no one wants me," to the degree that he needs drugs to kill the pain, this is not just an idea we have to change; it is an organic part of that person. Ideas are not something we produce willy-nilly. We don’t just have differences in opinion; we have differences in total personality, which gives rise to opinions. Likewise, when a person’s “default” mode is to give up in the face of obstacles, he is responding to the sensation deep in his brain of “What’s the use of trying.” Because it lies so deep, it has a profound impact. The words to describe his state are a late evolutionary development. They are not to be confused with the biologic state; the physiology of defeat.

In the hierarchy of valence or strength, words are the weakest when compared to the force of these first-line non-verbal imprints. We must not believe that if we treat the patient with words, changing the labels, we can make a profound difference. We can plaster on new (false) ideas to old feelings, but the feeling changes not at all. All that happens in this case is that the further suppression of the real feeling creates more stress on the system. Imprints are not conquerable nor to be convinced. We may be able to convince someone out of her ideas, but never out of her physiology. Our job is to align the ideas with the feeling. I should say it is the patient’s job because her feelings when felt will do it all by itself.
No patient sitting up in a chair in a comfortable office can feel the kind of terror he can only feel in a darkened, padded room. Yet this sitting-up framework prevents the cognitive therapists from taking patients back in history. First, their theory does not account for it, and secondly, the very office set-up prevents it. The organization of an office follows from the theory. It is all designed to keep the focus in the present—often on the words of the therapist. Sadly, one of the greatest dangers we face is from our past and ourselves, a memory informing us that we are not loved by our parents, that we never will be, and that all is hopeless. This forces us into all sorts of behaviors to avoid feeling hopeless. The problems we have may be between people, but the solution is within. The closer one is to oneself, the closer one can be to others.

On Heredity and Epigenetics

There are some late findings that contrary to the notion that muscular dystrophy and other so-called genetic diseases are direct descendants from heredity, it may be that they are not. That is, nearly all of us have the mutated MD gene in our systems. What seems to make it manifest in us is what happens in the womb and at birth: epigenetics.

I am of the belief that nearly all of us are pretty normal and that it is adversity that changes us and deforms us. In the case of MD we all seem to have the capacity to be abnormal depending on experience. I think that may be true of many of the so-called genetic diseases from allergies to migraine and high blood pressure. And the bad experience happens so early, in the first three months of our lives in the womb, that we cannot distinguish it from pure genetics.

That is why it is so critical that we understand how gestational life can effect us for the rest of our lives; whether the carrying mother is anxious, depressed, takes drugs or drinks alcohol. Whether she sips cokes or drinks many cups of coffee, the baby’s life is being malleated during this period. And it will run the rest of our lives in a major way; whether we suffer multiple sclerosis, migraines or high blood pressure; whether we will have constant seizures or whether we have impulsive act-outs that makes us behave before we think.

This is of such magnitude that it must be taught in schools so that we begin to understand both behavioral and medical disease. It will help doctors understand some of the causes of the diseases in their patients; and it will redirect therapists to periods in our lives that are truly crucial. No more the useless focus in the here and now when so much can be explained way back when. No more the idea that by changing attitudes we can change emotional disease. No more guesswork. A bit more science.

Hijacking the First Line

I have explained how the three levels of consciousness work. We now know how resonance operates. So let’s put them together and see what we get. You know how someone just talks and talks and dumps on us. They cannot seem to stop themselves. That is largely due to resonance, where the first line is close to consciousness and continually drives the release of a torrent of words. In short, in the same way that in sex, when it gets to a certain heated level, it is hijacked by pain on the first line and then it is driven to its denouement by that deep level.

So when there is an argument the other person who is screaming and railing cannot seem to stop himself because the energy behind it lies on the most primitive areas of our nervous system. The person is out of control because thoughts and desires do nothing to stop the onslaught from below. In other words, here again, the first line hijacks the verbal area and drives it incessantly. That torrent of emotions and words tells us about origins; something that cognitive approaches cannot touch. While we are encouraging control, the first-line is arguing very well against control.

The current heated dialogue has dredged up very early pure energy from the preverbal non-verbal brain that drives the interchange constantly. So we might say, “well that is pre-psychotic.” But it is just the deep level imprints waiting for their exit. When the current emotional level equals the deeper valences, there will be resonance, no matter how much we don’t want it to happen. And there will be hijacking in many areas. In sex, once there is hijacking the act will run off exactly in terms of the first line. It will take control and run the show. So when someone seems out of control, you can count on resonance to be the culprit.